20th Century Gamer

The last month has been a doozie. I got the flu, went to the hospital, my computer died, and someone stole our Honda scooter, all within a month. It’s as though I have been living the nerd version of a country western song. That’s a lot to deal with in a short period of time, and I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t knocked me for a loop.

Our classic games collection would seem to be the perfect medicine for the situation by being a great distraction from the stress. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the necessary patience to nursemaid old console hardware. I tried playing a few handhelds, but for some reason their diminutive size made me feel sorry for myself. My computer was dead, and my sweet emulator setup along with it. As hard as it was to accept, classic gaming had failed me in my time of need.

A week ago we were in Target doing some shopping. Recent events hadn’t left me in the best of moods. I don’t remember what we were looking for, but we were wandering around the toy section.  Most of the electronic toys and games were dedicated to movie franchises or tween idols.  I was shuffling down the aisles in a trance when a package adorned with bright and familiar Pac-Man graphics caught my attention. What was Pac-Man doing alongside High School Musical and Hannah Montana? I was both offended and intrigued.

I picked it up to discover this was one of those all-in-one TV games that ran on batteries and plugged into the RCA inputs standard on most televisions. It was a monstrosity, tacky beyond belief, apparently designed by someone with the aesthetic sensibilities of a bridge troll. Unbelievably, the controls appeared to be decent, with 2 micro-switch buttons and a micro-switch joystick. The built-in selection of classic Namco games was another surprise. Pac-Man, Galaga, Dig Dug, Pole Position, Galaxian, New Rally-X, Xevious, Mappy, Bosconian, Pac & Pal, Pac-Man Plus, and Super Pac-Man were all above-average arcade titles. Unlike so many arcade compilations, there wasn’t a stinker in the bunch.

The $20 price was a sticking point. I needed to save money for a new computer. It wasn’t as if we didn’t have several versions of the same games at home already. I put it back on the shelf and we continued with the rest of our unmemorable shopping. We were buying something mundane, one of those household supplies like dishwashing detergent, when I changed my mind. Jen continued with the shopping list while I walked back to the toy section to get a Jakks Pacific Plug & Play TV Games Retro Arcade Pac-Man Edition 5. I felt a little ridiculous about buying it, but not nearly as ridiculous as the name of the product I was buying (which hereafter will be referred to by its acronym, JPPPTVGRAPME5).

As I was preparing to play JPPPTVGRAPME5, I was shocked to find that the battery cover was held in place by a screw. I hadn’t seen a battery cover held by a screw for decades, and even then I couldn’t remember what piece of crap I had owned that was designed like that. That wasn’t a good sign, and as I removed the screw I hoped those new 4 AA batteries I was about to install were going to last longer than expected.

With the batteries in and the battery cover screwed back down, I plugged the JPPPTVGRAPME5 into our TV and turned it on. The simulated coin slot on the front of the unit lit up. I looked more closely to find that it not only glowed when turned on, but also doubled as the menu and pause game button. I was happy to see that the bridge trolls had actually included some function within their tacky attempt at retro design.

Obviously, I wasn’t expecting much from JPPPTVGRAPME5. Maybe it’s because I was expecting so little that I was impressed. These aren’t perfect arcade translations, but they are highly playable and close enough to the originals that casual gamers won’t notice any difference. Even better, I’ve played it almost every day since we bought it — and enjoyed it. The controls are responsive and fun, especially twisting the joystick to steer while playing Pole Position. And yes, the batteries are still working even after over 20 hours of gaming.

A word of caution: if you do end up with a JPPPTVGRAPME5, be aware that the idiots who manufactured the unit used alcohol soluble paint on the top control-panel surface — you know, the area most likely to need cleaning. That means it’s important to keep the JPPPTVGRAPME5 away from alcohol-based hand sanitizers, spray disinfectants, cleaning agents, and of course, alcoholic beverages.